Ed. note: I had originally hid this behind a paywall for my paying subscribers and, while that version was “okay”, it wasn’t great and certainly not up to my standards. I have decided I could do better.
Yarrrrr me Substack mateys!
If you’ve ever laughed (or cringed) at the endless parade of viral absurdities on X, buckle up—I’ve got a tale that’ll have you hoisting the Jolly Roger in solidarity.
It’s the story of a porch pirate who didn’t just steal packages; he tried to steal the narrative too. And in true 2025 fashion, it ends with a dash of identity drama, a Ring camera takedown, and enough online roasting to fuel a bonfire. Think Blackbeard meets Black Mirror. Let me break it down for you, step by salty step.
The Heist: 3 A.M. Booty Call Gone Wrong
Picture this: It’s the witching hour in some sleepy suburb. A shadowy figure in fishnet stockings, a frilly dress, and teetering heels tiptoes up to a front porch like a discount drag queen on a midnight snack run. The target? Freshly delivered Amazon treasures—AirPods, iPads, whatever shiny gadgetery the drone of capitalism dropped off that day. Our pirate snatches the loot with the grace of a caffeinated seagull, pauses for a dramatic twirl (or was it a twerk? Reports vary), and vanishes into the night.But here’s the kicker: The whole caper is captured in glorious 4K by a Ring doorbell camera. No grainy VHS vibes here—the lens catches everything.
Including the unmistakable “mainsail” bulge in those lacy panties that no amount of performative flair can hide. It’s not subtle. It’s not ambiguous. It’s the kind of detail that turns a simple theft video into internet dynamite.
This isn’t some dusty urban legend; it’s ripped from recent headlines. Just last month, a similar porch pirate in Alabama’s Mobile County was nabbed after doorbell footage showed a man in a skirt, V-neck top, and polka-dot headband making off with stolen goods. Cops were left scratching their heads: Halloween costume or something more... fluid? The suspect, Todd Bond, got charged with first-degree theft, but the video’s viral spread turned it into a meme minefield.
Closer to the “skimpy dress and heels” archetype you might’ve heard whispers about, there’s the infamous New Jersey twerking duo from late 2024. One thief grabs the package; the other moons the camera with a cheeky (pun intended) dance. They even returned days later to whine on video: “That’s my ass on the internet!!”
The homeowner had posted the clip to the Ring Neighbors app, and boom—public shaming meets petty crime. Full breakdown here from AOL, or catch the CBS Philly angle here for that local flavor.
The Backlash: From Theft to “Misgendering” in One Scroll
Fast-forward to the online fallout. The homeowner uploads the footage to X with a caption that’s equal parts savage and spot-on: “Porch pirate or pronoun pirate?”
The replies? A glorious bloodbath. Memes fly like cannonballs—skull-and-crossbones emojis superimposed on trans flags, pirate puns about “flying the wrong colors,” and enough eye-rolls to power a windmill. One user quipped, “That’s not a bulge; that’s the kraken waking up.” Another: “Steal my packages, fine. But don’t expect me to salute your flag when the crow’s nest has a better view.”
Enter the pirate’s counteroffensive: A frantic TikTok thread (or X rant, depending on the retelling) claiming the video “misgendered” them. “It’s hate speech! The camera doesn’t lie—wait, yes it does! Call the pronoun police!” Suddenly, the story pivots from petty larceny to a full-blown culture war skirmish. Supporters rally with #TransRights; detractors counter with #FactsDontCareAboutYourFeelings.
The bulge becomes the elephant (or should I say, the parrot) in the room—no one’s buying the revisionist history when the evidence is timestamped and HD.
My Take: Hoist the Jolly Truth
Look, I’m all for live-and-let-live—wear what you want, identify as you like. But when your 3 A.M. grift gets busted wide open, blaming the lens for “deadnaming” your anatomy is peak delusion. It’s like a bank robber suing the ATM for outing their ski mask. This saga’s a hilarious (and harrowing) reminder: In the age of omnipresent surveillance, your midnight misadventures are just one post away from global infamy.
Moral? Lock up your packages, laugh at the pirates, and remember—the truth sails straight, no matter what flag you fly.
If this tickles your funny bone (or your outrage gland), drop a comment.
What’s the wildest viral crime vid you’ve seen?
Fair winds, y’all - and welcome to the new season of this fine publication!
Today’s audio seed.
